The Tears

Well Ive talked a little but about my bad days but this entry will go into more detail.

Pleased be warned these are my raw feelings, if your close to me or my family this post may upset you.

Ive only had a couple of really bad days but when i do there REALLY bad, you know when you wake in the morning and you just don't feel yourself, well thats how the day normally starts. Then something happens to set the crying off and it doesn't stop. The easiest way is to tell you about my last bad day, it was just a few weeks ago, i woke up feeling a little off, sent the older 2 off to childcare and i was doing alright until a letter come in the mail from the latest specialist. The letter itself wasn't anything special just the usual recap of the appointment and what he had noticed and recommended, seeing it all in writing always gets to me, then the tears started and i mean crying so hard i cant breath. Then the thoughts start going through my head, did i do something wrong? What did i do to deserve this? Why my child? Why do all these people around me get healthy children and i don't? Why cant i go back in time and have my perfect little boy back. Am i being punished for something? I often prepare for the worst news when it comes to his tests, Why? because its easier for me that way, if i prepare for the worst any news i get is better than what i was thinking, of course i still have hope but if i let myself stay afloat on dreams and hopes then when i get bad news my world comes crashing down around me. I have three young children i try my best to never let them see me having my bad days, if i have to hold it all in till there in bed i will. Because they are the most important thing.

I love my children and my life i really wouldn't change them for the world, yes i have my bad days where the above thought run through my head but when i wake up the next morning and i look at Alex i remember all the things about him that make him so wonderful.

Of course don't get me wrong i love Alex more than anything and in my eyes his my perfect little boy and always will be, most days i forget his even different. It can just get so frustrating when no one seems to understand what your going through, when your told over and over again things will be ok Alex will get better he looks normal. NO he wont this isn't something that will just go away, we need to deal with it and what comes with it every day for the rest of our lives but i will get through this, i will be strong for my little man, because he needs me and thats what a mother does. On days like this i feel really alone, i know I'm not i have some great friends and family also I'm so lucky to have my fiance, when Ive had the odd bad day he just seems to know the right thing to say to make me feel better, his my strength for the days when i just cant seem to find mine.

Getting some of that of my chest has really helped, when i have my days like this i don't talk to many people, my fiance knows when i need him ill talk, his there is i need to be held why i just cry, he doesn't ask why he just holds me. My big sister who i love so very much, i often call her when I'm having a bad day but i still feel she just doesn't always understand.

Well i think I'm all typed out tonight, if your reading this and think thats how you feel? Need someone to talk to? Please contact me, that one of the two main reasons I'm doing this blog, in hope that it will help another parent not feel as alone as i do.

Sincerely Melissa