The Tears

Well Ive talked a little but about my bad days but this entry will go into more detail.

Pleased be warned these are my raw feelings, if your close to me or my family this post may upset you.

Ive only had a couple of really bad days but when i do there REALLY bad, you know when you wake in the morning and you just don't feel yourself, well thats how the day normally starts. Then something happens to set the crying off and it doesn't stop. The easiest way is to tell you about my last bad day, it was just a few weeks ago, i woke up feeling a little off, sent the older 2 off to childcare and i was doing alright until a letter come in the mail from the latest specialist. The letter itself wasn't anything special just the usual recap of the appointment and what he had noticed and recommended, seeing it all in writing always gets to me, then the tears started and i mean crying so hard i cant breath. Then the thoughts start going through my head, did i do something wrong? What did i do to deserve this? Why my child? Why do all these people around me get healthy children and i don't? Why cant i go back in time and have my perfect little boy back. Am i being punished for something? I often prepare for the worst news when it comes to his tests, Why? because its easier for me that way, if i prepare for the worst any news i get is better than what i was thinking, of course i still have hope but if i let myself stay afloat on dreams and hopes then when i get bad news my world comes crashing down around me. I have three young children i try my best to never let them see me having my bad days, if i have to hold it all in till there in bed i will. Because they are the most important thing.

I love my children and my life i really wouldn't change them for the world, yes i have my bad days where the above thought run through my head but when i wake up the next morning and i look at Alex i remember all the things about him that make him so wonderful.

Of course don't get me wrong i love Alex more than anything and in my eyes his my perfect little boy and always will be, most days i forget his even different. It can just get so frustrating when no one seems to understand what your going through, when your told over and over again things will be ok Alex will get better he looks normal. NO he wont this isn't something that will just go away, we need to deal with it and what comes with it every day for the rest of our lives but i will get through this, i will be strong for my little man, because he needs me and thats what a mother does. On days like this i feel really alone, i know I'm not i have some great friends and family also I'm so lucky to have my fiance, when Ive had the odd bad day he just seems to know the right thing to say to make me feel better, his my strength for the days when i just cant seem to find mine.

Getting some of that of my chest has really helped, when i have my days like this i don't talk to many people, my fiance knows when i need him ill talk, his there is i need to be held why i just cry, he doesn't ask why he just holds me. My big sister who i love so very much, i often call her when I'm having a bad day but i still feel she just doesn't always understand.

Well i think I'm all typed out tonight, if your reading this and think thats how you feel? Need someone to talk to? Please contact me, that one of the two main reasons I'm doing this blog, in hope that it will help another parent not feel as alone as i do.

Sincerely Melissa

A little ray of hope

Today we got some good news :) Alex had his 3.5yo assessment and of course they noted his behind in a few things but we already knew that. In fact the health nurse complimented me on picking up on things myself and taking him to the specialist. Well his head is growing, its still small but i was so stressed because our last specialist appointment when it was measured it and it was the same size as it was 12 months ago, so i was stressing it at stopped altogether but today is encouraging that at least its grow, it might be slow and smaller than other kids but its very exciting for me to get such news.






Also during this post i thought i might tell you more about my little family. You wouldnt believe from the photo above my kids where being rats and didn't want photos that day, the photographer did so well :). Ok so from left to right, you have Alex sitting on my fiance Phillip's lap, then Lachlan and Vanessa sitting on my lap. Alex is my oldest and his the one this blog is about his 3 years 8 months, Vanessa is my middle child and shes 2 years 4 months and last but not least is my youngest Lachlan who is 3 months old. My other half works night shift and he works very hard so that i can stay home with the kids, i do make cakes on the side but some months i can be flat out others i can relax. Alex and Vanessa fight a lot and i know its normal that brothers and sisters fight but i was talking to Alex speech therapist and team leader on Tuesday and they said they probably fight more as there interested in the same things and development wise there a lot closer than 15 months age gap wise. Well all 3 of my children are in bed the fiance is at work and since theres a tummy bug in the house i best try and get some rest.

Thanks for reading Melissa

Early Intervention Childrens Services

Well today was Alex's appointment, his main case worker came and also the speech therapist. It was a good chat :) They where here for a good hour and a lot of it was positive, when your scared for your child its always great to hear some positive things. His speech his coming along great he still makes up his own words when he doesn't know them but she said that normal and over time and he learns the right words they will get replaced. I have to try and pick up on the word his replacing and teach him the correct one. He also has trouble understanding instructions and next appointment where going to start working on that, today was mostly just about them getting to know Alex and learning where his at and also talking to me about what i would like for him. Well i best go i only had spare time while Alex was eating his lunch. Until next time

Another Quick Entry

Just a little something i had to share, while i was finishing off the last post, spell checking etc Alex come back up to the computer and talked about his arm again, i pulled him up on my lap and was explained more to him, telling him that the site was about his head and all the tests his been having and that soon he has a big test coming up, at this point i started crying and my little boy wiped away my tears, then put his hand on one cheek cupping my face and asked me if i was ok :) Was just a moment i had to share with you all

The second specialist

Well it toke almost 6 months after his first appointment to get in with the second Doctor, his a specialist, right now i cant remember what type and Alex was referred to two and has only seen one at the point. The appointment was much the same as the first one, a lot of the same questions, measuring Alex's head, checking his reflexes watching him play, he seemed better around this second doctor, he did some puzzle, read a book i think it really helped show him better where Alex was at.
He then read the notes from the first doctor and said he agreed that Alex should have an MRI and also suggested a spinal tap, explaining to me that new research had come through, with finding that some children a missing a vitamin that causes Microcephaly and that its the only way it can be tested for. These will both be happening in august this year and he will be under for both, i know ill be pacing the waiting room till my little man is safe but its at the Royal Children's Hospital in Melbourne so i know his in safe hands. For people outside Australia who might come across this site the hospital has a big fund raiser ever year on good friday called the Good Friday Appeal, this year over 15million was raised.

During this entry Alex come to the computer and i know he doesnt understand yet but i showed him the blog, when he spotted the photo of his arm he pointed at his arm and said "ouch my arm", then i showed him the other photos of him. Well the kids have had enough cartoons and want breakfast so i best be off. Thanks to everyone reading this id really love some comments.

Speech Therapy

Alex hasn't started full on speech therapy yet, when we were told he needed it i rang up and he was put on a bunch of waiting lists 33 weeks wait they said. After discussions with the fiance we decided to put him into private sessions till his place come up in public system, we didn't want him waiting so long before starting.
He had his first appointment not long before Christmas 2010, since we where going away over the holidays she gave me some exercises to do with him and told me to book in in February when she was back. When we come back for his second appointment she said she was surprised by how much progress Alex had made his doing fantastic. when your scared of what the future holds for your little man its always nice to hear a positive :) Since our 3rd was due on 17th February and Alex was doing so well we decided we would start his sessions in a few months, i was told to continue what i was doing and got a few new things to do.
Since then Ive received a call saying Alex place in the public system has come up, in fact they come out this week for his assessment. Its nice to have them come to me when i have 2 little ones, makes things so much easier. I'll post later in the month about how it gos.

Thanks for reading another post

The first really bad day

As Alex sits with is baby brother watching a movie & his little sister is in bed having her nap, i thought id do a little more blogging :) I feel so lucky to have three little ones.

Today Im going to talk about the day it really hit me that my little boy will never be the same again. I guess even with doctors visits and tests its easy to ignore whats happening but then one day the recap letter come from the Pediatrician, seeing it in writing made it more real, i cant remember how many times i read through the letter and i cried, boy did i cry, his official diagnoses is Global development delay and progressive Microcephaly, that basically means he wasn't born with it, it developed in the first few years. After this letter i did some online research and it made me cry some more and scare myself, i just worry about what the future holds for my little boy but there's also things Ive come across researching that have made me feel better. So far his only behind in speech and a few little things, toilet training his a big challenge as he just doesn't seem to understand what I'm trying to explain to him. Next week he has an appointment to be assessed, so hopefully we can learn some things to help him move along faster with his training.

Well bubs is getting moody now so his telling me its time to end this entry.

His First Blood Test

Sorry for long entry but this was the first emotional day for me.

I hated this day, its probably going to put me in tears writing it. I'm sure a lot of you reading this are mothers yourselves and hate seeing your child in pain.
We had to drive from Pakenham to Warragul (40mins drive for people who might not know) for this test twice,the first one we turned up on a Friday and got told they couldn't do one of the blood tests on that day as the test had to be run the next day and the lab was shut on Saturdays. I wasn't overly happy about this but really what could you do, then when we went back the following week we got told it was a mistake they could of done the test on the Friday.
So back to the test, Alex wasn't even a little worried, i guess it helped that we went in there once and nothing bad happened. He was so brave the needle when it and he didnt even cry, this would of been great if this was the end of it, but they didn't get enough blood as his blood just stopped flowing.
The second was much much worse, he knew what was coming and they used a butterfly needle this time. My poor little man was screaming and trying to pull it out and i was having to hold him down, i managed to stay strong for a bit but seeing my boy in pain was bad enough let alone holding him down while they hurt him. He was looking at me with such a sad face, so much expression, to me the face said why are you letting them hurt me mummy (tears are falling as i write this). He managed to pull it out and they still didn't have enough blood, I'm so grateful for the lovely lady's in the warragul bloods place. All of us didn't want to give him another needle if we didn't have to, so they rang the lab to see if what we managed to get so far would be enough and lucky it was.
The 40 min drive home wasn't much fun for me, i got told by the other half to stop looking at Alex, as every time i did he would hold out his little arm and say ouch mummy. I just felt so bad. His bloods all come back clear so sometimes it feels like that day was for nothing. That was a long post thanks for sticking with me.

My Little Mans Bruise After Only An Hour :(

First Peadatrician Appointment

Well kids are in bed and little one hasn't had his late bottle yet so thought i would write about Alex's first Pead Appointment. Most of it was what you would expect, he asked a lot of questions, including how many words he could say and could he jump, stand on one leg and so many more i cant remember right now. During this appointment he told me in regards to come development and speech Alex was closer to his sisters level (she's 15months younger). He then sent us off for a lot of tests and with referrals to two specialists. At this end of this appointment i wasn't too concerned he did mention his head was small and with his delays that could mean something more but he would see me when tests where back. I think its best to keep these entries short so i don't upset myself :) So until next time.

My First entry

Welcome to my blog.

This blog i feel is for myself as much as I'm hoping it will help a parent in the future, when there going through what i am. Ill make this a short most its almost midnight and its mothers day tomorrow, 3 years ago it was my first mothers day and i was so excited. Happy Mothers Day to all the mums reading this.


Tonight ill just tell you a little more about myself, I'm 26yo, a mum of three children aged 3years 9 months, 2 years 4 months and my youngest is 11 weeks. I also make cakes from home, i have a wonderful fiance who works hard so i can be at home with the kids. Also this is my first blog so im sure ill improve over time. Now just a little about Alex my oldest. Twelve months ago i started to get concerned about Alex's head size, it just seemed on the small side. We went to the local Gp and i asked for a referral to the pediatrician, toke 6 months before we meet with him for the first time. He did note that Alex's head size was on the small side, also that he was behind in his speech and a few other development stages. From there we were sent off for some tests..........to be continued very soon.

Time for me to try and get some sleep Goodnight all.